A Super Dudes Power Squad review of STAR WARS: THE FORCE UNLEASHED.
When I heard that the next great STAR WARS cross-platform game was going to be THE FORCE UNLEASHED, I got so excited that my Wii got turned on.
Unfortunately, the only STAR WARS substitute I had at the time was LEGO Star Wars, and though I love LEGOs, and STAR WARS, the mixing of the two is better left to children and those video game pacifists who get some sort of sick thrill out of a completely challengeless game where you can needlessly play as any character and never die.
Never. Even when you want to.
I must say, I enjoy playing with my Wii as much as the next guy, but I anticipated this new STAR WARS game to be graphically stunning and that somehow the Wii just wouldn't be good enough.
I went out and bought a PS3 (that's Playstation 3, grandpa) several months ago, then I reserved my cot in the closest poorhouse, closed out my bank account, sold my clothes and possessions, and now live out on the street with my $400 game console.
I would have gone for the X-BOX 360, however, the complaints of "brickage" were too much for me and SONY has been my friend for a good time, so fuck-it, I went for the Big Black Monster (don't click that link at work).
Anywho, back to my actual review...the thing where I talk about the game...
After playing the demo of THE FORCE UNLEASHED, I was left in such pants-tightening awe that I knew I had to have the full version and I had to have it RIGHT AWAY.
Naturally my online pre-order was fucked left, right, and sideways, by...a certain corporate Game Store...leaving me waiting by the door like an orphan whose daddy left for the grocery store four fucking years ago and just hasn't gotten back yet.
Eventually, my golden day did come and my game arrived. Needless to say, I popped it in faster than Levi Johnston (too soon?).
Now, let me say this...I'm a STAR WARS fan, take that for what its worth, but I'm not a freak. My life isn't STAR WARS, but I do have a--probaby unhealthily--vast ammount of knowledge about the Original and New Trilogies. There. Done.
That being said, this game gave me a lot, if not everything, of what I could've asked for.
The story had its share of surprises. It was well-thought out and almost perfectly designed!
For as intense as the lightsaber-action was, I don't know how a Nintendo Wii player could've lasted 5 minutes without having to ice his shoulder and wrist like a serial masturbator.
Now that I've kissed the game's and the designers' asses enough for being surprisingly refreshing, I can talk about why YOU might think the game sucks BALLS.
First of all, there is a slight problem with the targeting system:
There IS no cunting targeting system.
You target what you happen to be looking at, so when there are multiple objects in front of you, like, say...all the fucking time, you'd better accept the fact that no matter how dead-on you are, you'll still wind up targeting an innocent droid that happens to roll by like a Special Needs Child on a wagon at the wrong moment.
The good news, however, is that you can still use it to brick a Stormtrooper's face.
Secondly, the game is very linear and very short. There's nothing particularly wrong with this except that there is so much unlockable content and you only have one fleeting moment to find it all. Not to mention that the possession of the unlockable content will make the rest of the experience of the game significantly more AWESOME.
Though I never reached a MARIO KART level of explatives while playing the game, it was definitely frustrating at times. Especially when you're facing more enemies than pixels on the screen and you need to resort to clumsy button mashing in hopes that you somehow discover a combo move you didn't know about before.
Lastly, no review of THE FORCE UNLEASHED is complete without mentioning the infamous STAR DESTROYER sequence. Keeping the targeting problems in mind, pulling a giant spacecraft out of the sky could be quite a challenge...but it's meant to be a challenge, and you're supposed to be all on your own to figure out how the fuck to do it.
I'm not crying about it being too hard--that's what she said--It's the controlling of the STAR DESTROYER that poses the problem, leaving you fiddling with the joysticks trying to find the mindlessly specific way to make this giant craft crash into the precise location that the game wants it to.
Long story short, the game has its faults and perhaps falls short of many sorted expectations, but it IS fun and re-playable. It IS well-written and fucking cool.
If you're a STAR WARS fan, you may bust a nut playing it.
If you're an avid gamer, you may see it as a lesser rip-off of God of War.
And if you know nothing about STAR WARS and don't like fucking kick-balls action games, then who are you and why are you in my house?
--ALEX
When I heard that the next great STAR WARS cross-platform game was going to be THE FORCE UNLEASHED, I got so excited that my Wii got turned on.
Unfortunately, the only STAR WARS substitute I had at the time was LEGO Star Wars, and though I love LEGOs, and STAR WARS, the mixing of the two is better left to children and those video game pacifists who get some sort of sick thrill out of a completely challengeless game where you can needlessly play as any character and never die.
Never. Even when you want to.
I must say, I enjoy playing with my Wii as much as the next guy, but I anticipated this new STAR WARS game to be graphically stunning and that somehow the Wii just wouldn't be good enough.
I went out and bought a PS3 (that's Playstation 3, grandpa) several months ago, then I reserved my cot in the closest poorhouse, closed out my bank account, sold my clothes and possessions, and now live out on the street with my $400 game console.
I would have gone for the X-BOX 360, however, the complaints of "brickage" were too much for me and SONY has been my friend for a good time, so fuck-it, I went for the Big Black Monster (don't click that link at work).
Anywho, back to my actual review...the thing where I talk about the game...
After playing the demo of THE FORCE UNLEASHED, I was left in such pants-tightening awe that I knew I had to have the full version and I had to have it RIGHT AWAY.
Naturally my online pre-order was fucked left, right, and sideways, by...a certain corporate Game Store...leaving me waiting by the door like an orphan whose daddy left for the grocery store four fucking years ago and just hasn't gotten back yet.
Eventually, my golden day did come and my game arrived. Needless to say, I popped it in faster than Levi Johnston (too soon?).
Now, let me say this...I'm a STAR WARS fan, take that for what its worth, but I'm not a freak. My life isn't STAR WARS, but I do have a--probaby unhealthily--vast ammount of knowledge about the Original and New Trilogies. There. Done.
That being said, this game gave me a lot, if not everything, of what I could've asked for.
The story had its share of surprises. It was well-thought out and almost perfectly designed!
For as intense as the lightsaber-action was, I don't know how a Nintendo Wii player could've lasted 5 minutes without having to ice his shoulder and wrist like a serial masturbator.
Now that I've kissed the game's and the designers' asses enough for being surprisingly refreshing, I can talk about why YOU might think the game sucks BALLS.
First of all, there is a slight problem with the targeting system:
There IS no cunting targeting system.
You target what you happen to be looking at, so when there are multiple objects in front of you, like, say...all the fucking time, you'd better accept the fact that no matter how dead-on you are, you'll still wind up targeting an innocent droid that happens to roll by like a Special Needs Child on a wagon at the wrong moment.
The good news, however, is that you can still use it to brick a Stormtrooper's face.
Secondly, the game is very linear and very short. There's nothing particularly wrong with this except that there is so much unlockable content and you only have one fleeting moment to find it all. Not to mention that the possession of the unlockable content will make the rest of the experience of the game significantly more AWESOME.
Though I never reached a MARIO KART level of explatives while playing the game, it was definitely frustrating at times. Especially when you're facing more enemies than pixels on the screen and you need to resort to clumsy button mashing in hopes that you somehow discover a combo move you didn't know about before.
Lastly, no review of THE FORCE UNLEASHED is complete without mentioning the infamous STAR DESTROYER sequence. Keeping the targeting problems in mind, pulling a giant spacecraft out of the sky could be quite a challenge...but it's meant to be a challenge, and you're supposed to be all on your own to figure out how the fuck to do it.
I'm not crying about it being too hard--that's what she said--It's the controlling of the STAR DESTROYER that poses the problem, leaving you fiddling with the joysticks trying to find the mindlessly specific way to make this giant craft crash into the precise location that the game wants it to.
Long story short, the game has its faults and perhaps falls short of many sorted expectations, but it IS fun and re-playable. It IS well-written and fucking cool.
If you're a STAR WARS fan, you may bust a nut playing it.
If you're an avid gamer, you may see it as a lesser rip-off of God of War.
And if you know nothing about STAR WARS and don't like fucking kick-balls action games, then who are you and why are you in my house?
--ALEX
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