Laundry List of Complaints

Laundromats are always humble buildings with no supervision, populated by seedy characters. You pop quarter after quarter into one of the washing machines, wondering why the hell it costs so much just to do a load of laundry.

Consider this: It costs $1.25 to wash a load, and it costs $2.00 to get the same load anywhere approaching dry. If you buy the detergent and the dryer sheets there, you’re out another $3.00. By the time it’s all said and done, you’ve spent $6.25 cents just to wear clean clothes for another week. Of what tangible good is that? Is anyone impressed that your clothes are clean? Do they feel better against your skin when they’re clean? Are you going to lose your job at Subway if your clothes are a little dirty? NO.

The concept of watching clothes came from an older time, back when people used to work outdoors, in the elements. Of course it’s a good idea to wash clothes caked with dried mud or covered in dust and dirt—but if you’re like me and your typical day consists of sitting around in your house, sitting around in your office and sitting around in your car, then the worst you get on your clothes is some mustard stains and a little bit of sweat if you forget to turn the AC on.

Washing clothes that aren’t visibly dirty in some profound way is a waste of time. Jeans in particular can be worn for months on end without being changed or washed. They were designed for rugged workmen who spend their days lifting heavy objects and kicking each other in the balls with steel toed boots for no reason other than the passing amusement that they garner from it.

Most of us use them for the far less rugged feat of sitting around the house, wondering when it will be time to eat again. The only time an American’s jeans are under any stress at all is when we try to squeeze our bovine asses into a pair that used to fit us 5 years and 30 pounds ago. The only items that should be laundered with regularity are socks and underwear. Socks need to be washed because they stink like a reindeer’s wet asshole after only a day on your feet, and underwear because not all farts are what they seem.

Also, no amount of shaking, no matter how thorough, ever seems to fully dislodge the final droplets of urine from one’s cock after taking a piss. But honestly, it’s cheaper to just buy new socks and underwear at Wal-Mart than it is to launder them. To recap, shirts should only be washed when they become visibly dirty in some way. A good rule of thumb is that if stains make up an area of more than 15% of the shirt, it should be washed in the eventual future.

Jeans pretty much never need to be washed unless you spill honey on them or something. Socks and underwear should be thrown away and replaced with new socks and underwear on a regular basis.

Following my expert advice, you should cut your trips to the Laundromat down to a modest annual visit. You’re welcome.

--The Amazing Atheist (Honorary Super Dude!!)